please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
