You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize