New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
