Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
