I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
