I want to make a zoo with you.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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