1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Just invented taco cereal.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
