Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
