made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
