How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Floor bacon is actually really good
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
