i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
