so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
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