My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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