I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
