I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
