Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
