I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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