if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
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