im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Randomize
