one might say we're banned from that church
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
