and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
