our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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