I accidentally burped into my bong.
Just cropdusted the office
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
where are you?
Hypothermia
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
