I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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