you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
