he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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