I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
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