I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
i need some magic done to my vagina
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
