Im at strip club and am horny
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
