If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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