At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
