Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
