her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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