opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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