yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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