I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
