Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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