yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
