the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
