Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize
