Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
