mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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