i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
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