my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
