2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
