You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
