I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
