I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
You have to summon your inner elephant
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
