Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
