Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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