I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
my shit smells like andre
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
