I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
