textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Randomize
