I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Randomize
