What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
