She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Pants are for mortals
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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