i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
