woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
