just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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