i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
