I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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