I want to stick my p in your. b.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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